i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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