fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
