I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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