I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
we're making bets on your personal life
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Randomize
