i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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