Jerry, you need to find god
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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