Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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