A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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