I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
