hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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