Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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