I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
