I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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