I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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