I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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