Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
