I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
