thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
