I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
