Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
you had me at cake vodka
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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