"it" just moved
ugly people sure do ruin things
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
