Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
