There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
