I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
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