You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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