Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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