Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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