There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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