Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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