how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Randomize
