you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
