It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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