It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Randomize
