It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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