Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize
