How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
vagina is talking i cant
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Randomize
