turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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