remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
