Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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