Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
