Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Randomize
