I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
