i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
