I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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