Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Randomize
