Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
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