I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
