Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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