I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
