I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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